There are an estimated 500 million pages of sexually explicit porn on the Internet, and they cater to every conceivable turn-on. A report by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy estimates that between 20 and 33 percent of Internet users in the United States go online for sexual purposes—either to view pornographic images or to engage in some sort of interaction. Most of these people are married men.
As a marriage and family therapist, I have become increasingly aware of the problem with porn and the adverse effect of porn on intimate relationships. The problem with porn (in addition to moral considerations) is that it is impersonal, anti-romantic, and objectifying. The object of desire is no longer an intimate partner, but rather an object, and almost any “object” will do.
It is not surprising, therefore, that research indicates habitual porn use hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships—particularly when (as is usually the case) a partner is viewing porn alone and not as part of a couple’s mutual sexual enjoyment. The impact of habitually masturbating to porn includes:
Less frequent sex. In general, when one partner is a habitual porn user, the couple will have less sex. This is not so when masturbation is used without porn; in that case, couples are likely to have sex more often.
Less sexual communication. Because it doesn’t require interaction with a partner or any awareness or discussion of another person’s desires, porn use obviously does not entail two-way communication. This tendency leads to minimizing communication with one’s partner during sex.
Less mutually satisfying sex. Frequently have orgasms in response to a specific image
This conditioning is due in part to oxytocin and dopamine, the “blonding and pleasure hormones” that the body releases during orgasm. As a result, the porn user may become so transfixed by particular masturbatory fantasies that sex becomes unsatisfying unless the partner is willing to engage in them. However, the partner may not share the torn-on or feel comfortable recreating it. The result is that nobody is happy in bed.
Increased risk of betrayal. Porn can be the first step in a trajectory that ends in a sexual affair. Sometimes porn usage becomes a gateway to online chatting and, eventually, to actual encounters with others who share the preferred fantasy.
Despite the potential dangers of porn, there is no denying its popularity and attraction. Therefore, it would be wise for couples to discuss porn usage and whether either of them perceives any adverse effects on the relationship.
Sometimes porn usage becomes so central to an individual’s life that it constitutes a compulsion or addiction. If your relationship is grappling with such a problem, the addicted partner needs to seek help from a qualified mental health expert. Like other forms of addiction, porn dependency places an enormous burden on a relationship and requires specialized assistance.
Reference
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999, 2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.
Michael Brown is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Gottman Therapist, Couples Workshop Leader, and Clinical Trainer in private practice in Bartram Park. He is currently offering both in-office and secure video appointments. For couples or family therapy or for more information, contact Michael at 904-289-2954 or visit www.happycoupleshealthycommunities.com.